Fear Not

I haven't wanted to write anything because there's not much I can say. As you know from my previous post [see HERE] Kathy's trial started at the beginning of May. I've attended as much of it as I could; I missed one and a half days because of a temp job. It ended up being 5 weeks long.

The jury came back on Monday with a guilty verdict. Needless to say, her family and friends are absolutely devastated. As much as my heart is aching, I can't even begin to fathom how Kathy and her family are feeling. Their lives have been changed forever. All I can do is cling to God and His promises, because there is absolutely no understanding that will ever come; not for any of us. The sentencing will be in August. We know that God is bigger than this and are trusting that He will redeem Kathy and this situation. Please continue to pray for Kathy and her family in the coming days. 

Living Proof

Heather and I had the privilege of attending an amazing event this past weekend. We waffled over whether or not we should spend the money and go; in the end we decided we wouldn't regret going. If you haven't heard of Beth Moore, you need to change that immediately. The event this weekend was incredible. Travis Cottrell led worship and Beth Moore taught a one-of-a-kind and life-changing Bible study.

This woman is an inspiration! Beth has a beautiful heart for the Lord. She shared a beautiful and touching message. I truly believe God spoke through Beth to every woman [and man] this weekend. She speaks unique messages to each city she visits. In Boise she spoke about "Hinderance."

The verse of the weekend was from Hebrews 12:1 [ESV], "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race set before us."

The NIV translation it says, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us THROW OFF everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us" [My emphasis added].

What would it look like to live our lives the way they were meant to be lived? UNHINDERED! We are to THROW away everything that hinders us! We have a choice to throw it off. I can refuse to let it hinder what I can do before Christ.

John 16:33 says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

We can't live our lives without hurt, but we can lives our lives unhindered.

There is so much that I'm still processing from this weekend. It was pretty incredible! If you have a chance to see Beth Moore you should definitely do it! Check out the events schedule [HERE] and see if she's coming to your city [or somewhere close]! Also, check out her store for books, devotions, etc. [HERE].

Gotta Get Down On Friday

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Is anyone else excited as I am that it's finally Friday? I don't know about you guys, but it's been a loooooong week!

THIS started last week and I've gone almost every day. It's gone alright so far, but it's emotionally exhausting. Plus, it's already behind schedule by 2+ days. Please continue to pray for the truth.

Then I got a call Wednesday from Office Team and I accepted a two day (yesterday & today) assignment at a law firm in downtown Boise. Yesterday was mostly spent typing while I was being dictated to. I'm not sure what today will look like. Besides all that I've had meetings and a jewelry party too.

I'm thankful that I have work that's keeping me busy, but I'm definitely ready for a weekend with no major plans. I'm hoping to relax and enjoy the beautiful weather we're having here.

I hope you all have a great Friday and a wonderful weekend!

prayer request

I'm not even sure where to begin. I don't even really know what to say.

I guess see Heather's posts HERE and HERE first. Kathy's trial has been post-poned multiple times and it is finally here.

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The trial starts today or tomorrow, they might be finalizing juror selection today and then starting tomorrow. I'm lucky to have a job that is so flexible. I'll be able to attend most of the trial with my parents. Her family isn't allowed in the courtroom because they're witnesses. We don't want her to feel alone.

No matter what you hear or what you believe, please join me in praying for TRUTH. That both the prosecution and the defense will seek the truth throughout this trial. Pray for the judge and the jurors; for our justice system. Pray for the media and the public. Pray for Kathy and her family.

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I can't even begin to comprehend this. It's going to be an emotional journey. God is in this and He is bigger than this. I can't wait to see how He is going to be working through this process.

Thank you in advance for your prayers.


**EDIT**

Hi everyone, I just found out that the trial has been post-poned once again [this is the fourth time].  I'm praying that this is a GOOD thing.  Pray for rest for Kathy while things get worked out.  Pray for truth. Pray this is resolved soon.

Thanks again.

strong enough

The song Strong Enough by Matthew West has been on my heart for the past couple of weeks and I felt like it needed to be shared.

You must, You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through

Well forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us

Well, maybe, maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up
Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out

Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and You are strong
When I am weak

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

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lost

I always feel like I should apologize when I go MIA from my blog. But then again, it's my blog and I don't want to feel pressured by it because it's supposed to be fun. This past week has been so incredibly challenging for me. Added thanks to my hormones [or maybe it was because of my hormones] for making me feel like my life was/is falling apart. I've just felt so lost. Thankfully the hormone surge has passed and my crazy thoughts have subsided [for now].

When you're in the midst of troubles it's hard to get perspective. It's easier when you're at the top of the mountain to get a different vantage point on your problems.

I spent the week trying to remind myself that just because someone has "fill in the blank" doesn't make them happy.

A boyfriend
A husband
A full-time job
A consistent income
Friends
.... the list goes on.

I feel like I have NO direction in my life, but even if I did it wouldn't guarantee my happiness. Joy comes from within and from maintaining a healthy relationship with God. I KNOW that He has plans for me and they're better than anything I could imagine myself. It took me a long time this week to get out of my head and remind myself of it.

I know I'm not the only one this happens to. Have you felt lost recently? What steps have you taken to climb the mountain and gain a new/different perspective on your situation?

I think it might be time to re-read Wilderness Skills for Women by Marian Jordan [see HERE or Heather's post HERE]. I definitely recommend it if you're looking for some guidance or direction.

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peace and hope

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom he has given us.

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation."

Romans 5:1-11 (NIV) [emphasis added]

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here's to you, california

Today marks one year since Heather and I moved home from California. I don't think I actually told the story about the move. So in honor of this sacred day, here goes:

Heather and I got up early to finish packing the car. We had loaded everything else in the pod which had been taken away the day before, so the things we had left HAD to fit in the car. We bought two cat carriers for the babies we had to fit in the back seat too. Luckily we jammed everything in the trunk and backseat, but it was FULL. We set off on what would be a 16+ hour day, but first we stopped at Starbucks. Once we got our caramel macchiatos and muffins, we realized we'd left our directions (different from what the GPS would tell us) at the apartment. Finally, we were on the road. The cats were so scared, even though we'd given them some calming medicine. Blizzard literally cried for the first TWO HOURS of the drive, NON-STOP!

Soon after Blizzard quieted down, Archie went potty and it SMELLED. Like, we were rolling down the windows and blasting air so we wouldn't throw up and had to pull over and clean it up, smelled. Heather and I pulled Archie out of his carrier and a poop flung out of the carrier and landed on me. We couldn't help but laugh the entire time this was happening. A semi turned around on the road to see if we were okay. We got Archie cleaned up and were back on the road. A little while later Blizzard got sick, so we made another stop on the side of the road to clean it up. This time we had a police officer stop to make sure we were okay. The thing about our stops was that the backseat of the car was literally PACKED. We had to pull things out and re-arrange in order to take the cats out of their carriers to clean things up. The babies were so freaked the entire time. My dad ended up finding a vet clinic in Nevada that we stopped at to get some different stuff to help calm them down, which didn't do much.

In the middle of Nevada we experienced an INSANE windstorm. At one point there was so much dirt and dust flying around we could barely see the brake lights of the car in front of us. The wind was blowing the car around on the road. We stopped at a gas station and the large covering over the gas pumps was moving around. At one point a large matress was picked up by the wind off the left side of the road and FLEW OVER our car, by like one foot. Praise God for His protection. It was so close to flying in front of us. We were already sick of Nevada and had added over two hours to our travel time because of our unexpected stops, when it got dark and started pouring rain. We had made it to Winnemuca and were so close to stopping for the day. But we just wanted to get out of Nevada and get home because we were exhausted and the cats were still scared.

Once we finally crossed into Oregon we flipped Nevada off. But Oregon wasn't much better than Nevada. It gave us snow and a bobcat in the middle of the road. Luckily I saw it and Heather was able to swerve around it just in time. We were so exhausted and started playing a game to keep ourselves awake. Thankfully we weren't in Oregon long. As soon as we crossed into Idaho the sky opened up and the stars came out. It was pretty amazing! We finally made it home around 11pm. The cats were thankful to be out of their carriers, but were still scared about their new home.

I don't think we would have made it through the day without our sense of humor. After every crazy thing that would happen, we just had to laugh. Because, seriously? We would think, it can't get worse, nothing else is going to happen, but then, of course, it would.

I couldn't imagine that a year later I would have just ended my job at the fire center and be in almost the same place again. No real plan for whats next. I'm so thankful that I'm done with this job, because it means I'll have more time for school. I really need to buckle down for the rest of the semester and get more prepared for my Thesis Proposal Midpoint Review next semester. I'd really like to find a good part-time job, so that I can continue to pay off my credit card and get out of debt. I know that moving home was exactly what I was supposed to do, even though I miss California like CRAZYYYY, especially lately. I'm really just trusting God to lead me, like He has many time before, where He wants me.

Anyway, here's to you, California. I miss you.

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keep trying

I've been working all semester on developing my thesis concept for my Midpoint Review. Next semester I'll have my Midpoint Review where I'll present my idea for my thesis to a review panel. They'll decide if I move forward with my thesis idea for the rest of my time at school. I thought I had a pretty solid concept. I still think it is. I just don't know the right way to convey my concept with my images. I don't want it to be literal. I want it to mean something. I'm sure I could take an easy route and create a concept that would be less challenging and easier for me to accomplish each week. But I want to use this semester (and my thesis project) to challenge myself. I want to grow as a photographer. How do you become great at something if you aren't challenged and pushed? But I feel like I'm being pushed off a cliff right now.

Lately I've been questioning if I should even be doing this program. I feel like a phoney (hi, my name is Holden Caulfield). But when I talk to myself, I know that I do want to do this. I love photography. This is my passion. I just don't know how. I'm to the point in my Thesis Seminar where I can't change my mind about my concept for the rest of the semester. I had a conversation with Heather the day I got my tattoo. I basically said I was more scared to commit to a thesis idea than I was my tattoo. I seriously am. I don't think my life depends on it, but sometimes it feels like it. I want to work on a project that I'm passionate about, that means something. Especially because I'll be working on it for a year and a half. Like I've said before, God has given me this talent and I want to glorify Him with my work. I'm praying that He will continue to show me how to do this.

While I wait, I'm trying to remind myself that I need to keep trying. Especially when I feel like giving up, like I do now. I'm afraid to fail, but that doesn't mean I still shouldn't try. So here I go. Let's do this.

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Tattoo Tuesday

I don't want to steal from Danielle, but I figured it would be fitting to do an Tattoo Tuesday post today. Last Tuesday I went to Black Cat Tattoo and got tattooed by Sean Wyett. This was taken right after it was done. Once it's completely healed I hope to get more pictures of it.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3:5-6

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and gone tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Matthew 6:25-34

inspiration

Simultaneous joy, pain, love, frustration, friendship, hunger, homesickness and camaraderie. Such is life. God is good. Just keep breathing.

-The Wrecking

You have within you right now, everything you need to deal with whatever the world can throw at you.

-Unknown

I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart.

-Vincent Van Gogh

trust

There's been stuff happening in my life that I felt the need to share on my blog. It's personal, but it's been on my heart and I think writing about it on here might be a good way to get it out. Two weeks ago I was getting ready for bed and decided to do a self breast exam because I hadn't done one in a while. To my surprise I found a lump. I had a consultation at a clinic within the week and was referred to an imaging center for an ultrasound. The results of the ultrasound came back as a probable benign fibroadenoma. It was recommended that I get a fine needle biopsy and probably get it removed. The next step for me is another consultation with a specialist this coming Thursday afternoon.

Surprisingly, I'm not really worried about all of that. What I am worried about is that I don't have any health insurance. I called the specialist and the initial consultation is over $300. That's about what I already dished out for the initial clinic visit and the ultrasound. I'm thankful I have a job so I haven't had to go further into debt (yet). But I'm so discouraged because I have been working my butt off to get out of debt and when I finally start making progress, something like this happens. I know God is going to provide, but at the same time, I'm scared out of my mind. I'm 25 years old and living at home. I really don't want to be 26 and still living at home because I can't support myself. It's ridiculous.

Please be praying for me as I take the next steps. I'm so overwhelmed with work, school and now doctor appointments. Pray for peace. I know God will be there and that He will provide, but Satan is working his best on me right now. Thank you friends for all your love, support and prayers.

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. Psalm 28: 7

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wait

Once again, I am in a time of waiting. I can feel God testing me and my patience while I wait. This time I am in complete surrender. There is absolutely nothing I can do, except wait and rest in Him and His promises to me. Trust. Be still. Wait. Believe. Pray.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:4-8

"Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?" John 11:40

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